It finally happened

Ever since Russell proposed to me, I knew that sometime during the wedding planning process I was going to break down and be mad, and sad and seven thousand other emotions that shouldn't be bottled up. Today was that day.

Before my mom died she used to promise me that she would make it to see me walk down the isle. That she would still be around when I had kids. That she would be able to meet her grandchildren. She promised. She promised it every time we ever talked about how sick she was. I believed her. I watched her outlive every "you only have ___ months to live" deadline a doctor gave her. I saw my mom as Superman. Actually, I think my mom is a bit tougher than Superman. ;) But I thought she was going to be there when I got married. I seriously believed my mom would live until I was thirty.

But she didn't. I lost her three years ago. And now, three years later, I'm getting married. And every time I talk to my fiance's mom or my aunt or one of my friends about planning my wedding, or when I get opinions on centerpieces, or try to figure out a reception hall, a little voice in the back on my mind says, "You should be talking to your mom about this."

And it's true. I appreciate everybody that is putting up with me and helping me plan my wedding. (Especially since I've decided to do almost everything myself. The invitations, the announcement cards, the wedding website, centerpieces, wedding favors, wedding programs, I'm very DIY.) I can't help it though, it's true. I should be telling my mom. My mom should have been the first person I called when he proposed. My mom should have been with me when I went dress shopping. My mom should have been crying when I was trying on dresses. My mom should have been stressing with me when I was trying to figure out if the dark blue would look good with Russell's Class A's. She should be here.

And she's not. And I'm pissed. As horrible as it sounds when I think it or even write it, it's a fact. I'm pissed. Why did I have to lose my mom? It's not fair. She should be here or all of this and she's not. It hurts. It sucks. Every time I go through a new wedding article or the DJ song list, "bride's mother _____" and I get furious all over again. Then I'm sad at the same time and I just want to be sitting in a corner by myself to cry.

I don't get to see my mom cry as I walk down the isle. I don't get to hug her after I say "I do." I don't get to dance silly on the dance floor with her. I don't get to smash cake in her face. I don't get to hear her tell Russell that if he ever hurts me he's going to meet her fists. I don't get to take pictures with her. I don't get any of that and she promised she'd be here.

I think that's the "real" reason for why I used to say I was never going to get married. (Other than the whole I didn't think I could fall in love or any other reasons I used to give.) If I never got married, my mom never broke her promise to be at my wedding.

But I am getting married. She's not here. It's not fair.